O GOD

Trials are over. As usual, we will get the results the following week and for the moment, I already got back three subjects and Alhamdulillah, I got B for those. But to be frank, I'm not satisfied with the results. I am not, at all. It's not enough.

I know I should get As. I know I could do better. At this moment -- two months away from AS exams -- Bs won't do good. Bs are not enough. I need As. I need 4A. I need A for every subject! I just want some As so that it would build up my confidence. I haven't got any A in any subject since I came to this place. Do you know how pathetic I feel like? Do you know how dumb I look like? Currently, I'm at the bottom three!

It bothers me when people can obviously see I'm not at the same level with others. But what bothers me most is that I can't prove to myself - Yet - that I actually belong to the 'genius group'! I know I do. But after eight months living my life with them, I'm still one of those-who-do-not-do-well-in-studies.

Yesterday, we had class with Mrs Wong. She gave back our organic/inorganic paper. It wasn't good. Not good enough. I did stupid careless mistakes. STUPID CARBOCATION! Overall, our performance wasn't that bad but I know she was quite disappointed. The questions were not that hard but I don't know why I couldn't do it. She even asked every one of us to give reasons why we couldn't get full mark for her part. I couldn't give any. I was very down because of my own mistakes.

I have enough of it already. I thought my Trial results would cause shock among the teachers but it didn't. I'm tired of this condition. I gotta change.

When I got back home, I reflected myself. There are reasons behind everything. There are reasons why I couldn't do well in this exam. I have finally realised that I couldn't do this thing alone anymore. I need to get help. I need somebody who can lead me to my dream. Somebody who can bring some hopes in my journey. And so, I turned to Mrs Wong.

She was the only person who I could think of. The only one I believe I could rely on. I texted her how bad I felt about my results and asked for some advices. She didn't turn me down, as usual. And to my surprise, she wanted to meet me after her class this Friday to sort of my problems. I didn't expect that. I was hoping she would give me some encouraging words and then, we're done. But being a great teacher as always, she really wanted to help me out. And it was four in the morning when I read her message. I was too shocked till I couldn't sleep back and decided to study Biology instead.

It actually scares me 'cause I don't really what to expect, what to say and how should I take it. I never had this kind of talk before and I just really don't know what to expect! And whenever I heard her name I would go like, "O Shit! I don't want Friday to come!" I don't know. I think I better get sick now.

But I really need to solve this thing out. I need some changes in my life if I wish to be accepted in the 'genius group'. I really hope everything will turn out well this Friday. Let's just pray for the best and I will not cry in front of her. That's gonna be sooooooooooo embarrassing. :P